I’m a mental health writer and advocate, and a suicide attempt survivor. I’ve told people on this blog many times, “Keep reaching out.” I’ve written multiple articles preaching the importance of vulnerability, defying stigma, and owning your struggles.

This is my whole thing, okay? This is what I do.

So when one of my closest friends died by suicide a few weeks ago, I wasn’t just shocked — I was completely gutted.

I thought there was never a question of whether or not my loved ones could reach out to me. But the very person who I’d talked to so often about mental health… didn’t call me.

Not even to say goodbye.

Screenshot 2018-03-03 at 10.30.59 AM
The last night I spent with them.

In the weeks following their suicide, my grief took me to dark places. I soon began having my own suicidal thoughts. And even then, when it was my turn to “reach out”? Even after losing my friend? I began to withdraw, too.

I watched, with painful awareness, as I did much of what my friend seemed to do leading up to their suicide. I wrote myself off as a burden. I isolated myself. I got lost in my own head. And despite knowing the danger of where I found myself, I said nothing.

After an especially scary night, I realized something: No one ever explained to me how to ask for help. No one told me what “reaching out” even meant.

As my grief began to snowball, I hesitated to tell anyone I was struggling, largely because I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to ask for, and without knowing what to ask for, it felt too complicated and futile to ask.

“Why didn’t they tell me?” is such a common refrain when we talk about suicide or mental health challenges in general. It’s easy to make this remark, because “tell someone” seems like a simple request. But in truth, it’s vague at best.

“Reaching out” is this skill we’re somehow expected to know, yet it’s never taught and rarely modeled for us.

It’s this vague, hopeful sentiment that people throw around, without ever really defining it. What are we asking people to do or say? It’s not exactly clear.

So I want to get more specific. We need to be more specific.

I don’t know if an article like this could’ve saved my friend. But what I do know is that we need to normalize asking for help and talk about what that might look like, rather than pretending it’s a simple and intuitive thing to do.

Maybe then, we can reach people sooner. We can meet them more compassionately. And we can find better ways to support them.

So if you’re struggling but you don’t know what to say? I get it.

Let’s talk about it.

1. “I’m (depressed/anxious/suicidal). I’m not sure what to ask for, but I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we need, or we’re unsure of what someone can offer. That’s okay; that shouldn’t discourage us from reaching out. It’s perfectly fine if you have no idea what you need or want — especially when all you can think about is how much you’re hurting.

Let someone know how you’re feeling. You might be surprised by the ways they offer to support you. And if they aren’t helpful? Keep asking until you find someone who is, or seek out a hotline (I know it can be weird to talk to a stranger, but there are some awesome hotlines out there).

2. “I’m struggling with my mental health and what I’ve been trying isn’t working. Can we (meet up/Skype/etc) on (date) and come up with a better plan?”

Feeling helpless or exhausted is part and parcel for dealing with a broken mental health system. But a team approach can make it a little more manageable. Sometimes we need a cheerleader/researcher that helps us explore our options, especially when we’re having trouble believing that we have any.

One thing you’ll also notice is that, for almost everything on this list, I suggest setting a time.

This is important for a couple reasons. The first being that it helps the person you’re talking to understand the urgency behind your ask. It can also be helpful to know that there’s an event in the near future when you can expect to receive some support. This can help us hang in there when things get bleak.

3. “I don’t feel safe by myself right now. Can you stay on the phone with me/come over until I calm down?”

I know this is a hard one to say. Because we often fear telling someone just how much we’re struggling, and admitting that we don’t feel safe? That’s a biggie. Obviously you can replace the word “safe” if it’s not working for you, but I always encourage people to be direct, because it’s the surest route to getting exactly what we need.

Asking someone to be present might feel especially vulnerable. It might not even feel like, in the moment, it’ll make that much of a difference. But you’re more likely to feel better with support than without any.

And remember, from everything we know about mental illness, depression is more likely to be a liar than a truth-teller (I talk about that a bunch in this blog post).

4. “I’m in a bad place, but I’m not ready to talk about it. Can you help me distract myself?”

You do not have to talk about what’s bothering you if you’re not ready.

Opening up a whole can of worms might not be the safest or best thing for you in that particular moment. And guess what? You can still reach out for help.

Sometimes we just need someone to shoot the shit with, so we aren’t stuck in our heads, making ourselves a little crazy. This is a valid and healthy thing to ask for! And it’s a subtle way of making folks aware that you’re having a rough time, without needing to go into detail.

The sooner the folks around you are aware that you’re having a hard time, the quicker they can show up to help you through it.

Early interventions are so critical for our mental health. In other words: Don’t wait for your whole basement to flood before you fix a leaky pipe — fix the pipe when you notice the problem has started.

5. “Can you check in with me (on date/every day), just to make sure I’m alright?”

I cannot say it enough — do not underestimate the value of asking for a check-in. I am such a huge fan of this as a coping skill, especially because it can be super helpful for everyone involved.

If you take nothing else away from this article, it should be this: Please ask people to check in with you. It’s such a small thing to ask for in the age of texting, but it can help us stay connected, which is freaking critical for our mental health.

(If you’ve played The Sims before, remember the social bar? That’s you. You need to fill it. Humans need to connect with other humans. It’s not just about wanting to, it’s that we actually require it to survive.)

And this can happen in so many smart ways. A few of my favorites:

  • “I haven’t been doing well. Can you text me every morning to make sure I’m okay? It would really help me.”
  • “Hey friend. I’ve been kind of sad lately — do you maybe want to Snapchat/send selfies to each other before bed every night, just to check in? It’d be nice to see your face.”
  • “I’m in a funk right now. Do you want to be self-care buddies? Like text each other once a day something that we did to care for ourselves?”
  • “I’ve been isolating myself a little lately. Can you check in with me every so often, just to make sure I didn’t fall off the face of the earth?”

Add emojis wherever fitting if you want it to feel more casual (but really, you don’t need to, there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need!).

Asking for people to check in with you when you’re struggling is just like buckling your seatbelt when you get in a car. It’s just one extra safety measure in case things get rough.

Both can actually save lives, too. Consider this a PSA.

6. “I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I need extra support right now around (task). Can you help?”

Maybe you need help getting to an appointment or the grocery store. Maybe you need a cheerleader to make sure you took your meds, or someone to send a selfie to to prove you got out of bed that morning. Are your dishes piling up in the sink? Do you need a study buddy? It doesn’t hurt to ask for support around tasks like these.

Sometimes these things add up when we’re struggling with our mental health. But we forget that it’s okay to ask for a hand, especially at those times when it could really make a difference.

Being an adult is already challenging. If you’re going through a rough time? It’s even harder. We all hit a point when we need some extra support. Don’t be afraid to let folks know directly how they could support you.

7. “I’ve been feeling so low. Can you remind me about what I mean to you or share a favorite memory? It would really help me.”

I used to think that asking for something like this meant I was “fishing for compliments.” And what a lousy way of looking at it…

Sometimes we need reminders that we matter! Sometimes we can’t recall the good times, and need someone to help us remember them. This is true of every single human being on the planet.

It’s such a simple request, too. If you’re the kind of person that feels nervous about making a big ask (again, I’d encourage you to challenge that assumption — it’s okay to ask for help!), this can be a small step in the right direction.

8. “I’m struggling right now and I’m afraid I’m reaching my limit. Can I give you a call tonight?”

To be honest, it wasn’t until my friend died that I finally found these words in particular.

Up until that point, I’d never been sure exactly how to raise the alarm. You know, that moment when you’re not at the end of your rope, but you’re getting there? It’s a crucial moment.

Yes, you can and you absolutely should reach out then, even if you aren’t sure if it might make a difference (spoiler alert, people might actually surprise you). I think about how much pain I could’ve avoided if I’d saw that moment for the opportunity it really was.

Listen to that little voice in the back of your mind, the one that’s trying to tell you that you’re a little too close to the edge for comfort. Listen to that nagging feeling that tells you you’re in over your head. That’s your survival instinct — and it’s an instinct you should trust.

9. “I know we don’t talk much, but I’m going through a tough time and I feel like you’re someone I can trust. Are you free to talk (day/time)?”

I wanted to include this because I realize that not all of us have people we’re close to that we confide in.

When I was a teenager, everything changed for me when I reached out to a teacher at my high school that I barely knew. She had always been incredibly kind to me, and I had a gut feeling that she would “get it.” And she did!

To this day, I still believe that she saved my life at a time when I had no one else to turn to. She connected me with a social worker, who was then able to help me access the resources I needed to recover.

While it’s important to be respectful of people’s capacities and boundaries (and be prepared, of course, if someone can’t be there for you or isn’t helpful — it’s not personal!), you might be surprised by the responses that you get.

10. “I’m suicidal. I need help right now.”

Raise the alarm.

Raise the damn alarm, friends, and be as direct as you need to be. An emergency is an emergency, whether it’s a heart attack or a self-harm risk. Harm to you in any form is reason enough to ask for help.

I promise you, there’s someone in this world — an old friend or a future one, a family member, a therapist, even a volunteer on a hotline — who wants you to stay.

Find that person (or people), even if it takes time. Even if you have to keep asking.

Give people the chance to help you. It’s a chance that my friend deserved, and it’s a chance that you deserve.

(And if all else fails, I have this resource about going to the emergency room when you’re suicidal. I’ve personally been hospitalized twice, and while it’s not a ritzy vacation, it’s the reason I’m here today.)

Pick something from this list. Write it down, even if it’s on your hand or a sticky note. Reach out — because now you know how.

Hell, bookmark this article while you’re at it. I know I’m going to, because there are times when I need this advice, too.

If you’re struggling with your mental health, let me remind you that it’s never too soon or too late to let someone know.

And it’s never, ever too heavy, too messy, or too much to ask — even if you asked fifty times the day before.

I’d have rather had my friend “bother me” every day for the rest of my life than have to lose them forever. Their life was that precious.

And yes, so is yours.




Hey there, friend. Before you go, I want to share some resources with you.

If you’re suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386, or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

You can also go to the emergency room. If you’re not sure if you should or how to prepare for something like that, I’ve got an article for that, too.

This isn’t just a generic “here are some numbers” plug, this is a “I want you to stay, we need you here, please don’t go just yet” plea.


Screenshot 2018-03-03 at 10.35.49 AMAnd lastly…

There’s a memorial fundraiser in honor of my dear friend, Cris Alvaro. The funds raised will go to organizations that support trans mental health and racial justice.

This article is, of course, dedicated to them.

Topher, you’re still the brightest star in my galaxy. We couldn’t keep you safe. But I will never stop fighting for a world that could have.


Feature photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash.


  1. This is a fine memorial to your lost friend.

    I my time working crisis, which for many is either the first or last resort to which to reach out from isolation and the belief that no one else will listen, care, or understand, I can say I never lost one who gave me a fighting chance to intervene, or just stay on the phone and be there for as long as it took, in a particular occasion. There were many close calls, but the ones lost were the ones who didn’t reach out in time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Some people do not have a supportive circle, some people do not share their illness. I would also suggest joining online support groups such as the Facebook Bipolar groups and keep your local Samaritans number safe. Most Bipolar/depression charities also offer local support groups. It is a case of searching online via the national/international sites and find your local group. That way you build a support network. Great blog Sam x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This resonates so much with me. I find it very difficult to share what I need from the people who support me. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m learning to be more comfortable with it and just last week I asked a friend to check in on me each day before she leaves work. I’m proud of being able to do that as it’s a big step for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m very sorry for your loss, and appreciate the well thought out post you’ve written with specific “helps”. I’m 65 and have battled Depression most of my life, including “attempts” when younger. I think the hardest part is when you don’t have anyone you can trust to “reach out to”–it’s too scary for most people to hear about serious mental health struggles. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. What you’ve done here is incredibly important. Thanks for continuing to write such crucial information. I’m glad you’ve followed your own advice and are still alive to write.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for this. I am in tears. I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks for mental health. I have an amazing support system, and even with them, I struggle. I don’t have health insurance, and without that, I don’t have access to a lot of the same resources others have, but I’m trying to cope the best I can. This article reminds me that I’m not alone, and being unable to articulate my needs isn’t a failure.

    I write a blog too, can I link to this post?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and the panic, depression, and pain that came along with it. You’re as brave as usual, transforming this experience into yet another teachable moment for people. I’m betting it’s also one of the ways you successfully process things, is by trying to make everything useful, make everything matter in an external way for other people.

    I’ve recently been through a scare in which I came closer to losing my SO to suicide than ever before. But she was very vocal and used a lot of these same messages you suggest, and she pulled through. So I know you’re right and learning how to make these communications does make the difference.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Another tool I’ve found is to make a list of things that help when you’re feeling not-so-sick. Give that list to trusted persons. When I’m manic or in mixed episode, I have a really hard time making decisions or responding to “how can I help?”, but I can ask someone to read the list I gave them. Then my loved ones can help and they know the ways that are actually helpful!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hi Sam,

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your special friend. You did a beautiful job with this article. I suffer from bipolar heavy on depression. Someone posted a link on Facebook and you’re right we don’t really know how to reach out when we know we must, which is why I followed the link and read the entire thing. So much truth and help written here. I would like to reblog this if you wouldn’t mind. Please let me know and please take care of yourself!


    Liked by 1 person

  10. Excellent information. I am a senior citizen with life long depression and anxiety. My only concern is with the idea of waiting for a future date to talk about this urge. My advice,from my experience,is when these thoughts build in your mind… TELL someone! I reached that tipping point just a few years ago. I contemplated the entire bottle of pills in my hand…and reached for my phone,called a dear neighbor and simply asked if I could sleep on her sofa. She said “Oh sure.” NO further explanation was needed. To this day she doesn’t know that she was my SAFE place that New Year’s Eve. BLESSINGS!
    Most times you must ASK in order to RECEIVE. #mytwocents

    Liked by 2 people

  11. So this is awesome. I’m a mental health professional and have spent countless hours creating safely plans… And overlooked this part of it exactly. Can I have your permission to print and use this article in my practice? Thank you for your candor, we need more of it.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Beautiful! When I ask those struggling if “there’s anything I can do?” I follow it up with practical suggestions. Can I “do your laundry? Your shopping? Watch a movie with you? Bring you food?” So often we don’t reach out to those struggling because we intrude, but sometimes being intrusive can be life-saving.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is incredibly important. I wish I had that a year ago. I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful and useful piece. I wish you strength and love.
    Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I am so sorry for your loss, Sam. This post is a beautiful tribute to them, and I will keep it bookmarked for the sake of my own mental health and to honor their life. So much love to you and their loved ones during this time.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I really love your article it helped me a lot . I am struggling with the voices that i hear, and the things that i see, plus it helps me with my feelings and how to talk to my friends and family.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I found this while doing a google search of “where to go to get help when no one helps” while most of the search returned negative sites that expressed things like: “why nobody wants to help you”, or, “why nobody wants to help and neither should you”, I found this article to be particularly kind-hearted and helpful. Too often do others, especially those who struggle, not know how to reach for help. To the point of where it gets too late, as in the unfortunate case of your friend. Even now as I write this its a battle to reach out as I feel greatly understood wrongly. So thank you for this, and I hope you continue to inspire others. You really were on point with everything so its fairly clear you understand exactly what you are talking about.

    Liked by 1 person

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