Yes, it’s true.
I am a survivor of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, otherwise known as ROGD.
And if you’d talked to my mother back then, you would’ve gotten a very panicked account of how abrupt my coming out was.
But my story isn’t hers to tell.
(She, by the way, would totally agree with that statement. This is why she isn’t posting about me in online forums or participating in “studies.” Also: Hi Mom, love you.)
And while I wish I had the Perfect Transgender Narrative™ to convince you of my validity, I don’t. I didn’t always know I was transgender. I’m not even sure exactly when my dysphoria really started.
But if you knew my story, you might realize why that makes sense.
I was a sheltered kid growing up in suburban Michigan. And while I’d been bullied for being “weird,” and always felt like the “black sheep” wherever I went, I knew literally nothing about queer or transgender people… much less “gender dysphoria.”
There was no context to place that sense of isolation into. It never occurred to me that gender was a thing I could have feelings about, and I certainly didn’t know that I didn’t have to identify as a girl if it didn’t exactly fit.
Having an older brother that was so close to me in age, my androgyny wasn’t exactly odd, either.
I figured it was a natural product of being so close to him. We shared our toys as kids, played video games for hours, and my many interests — ranging from the stereotypically “feminine” to “masculine” — made me gender-ambivalent at best.
If you’d asked me how I felt about my body as I got older, I would’ve said I “felt ugly.” When asked to describe myself? “I’m just weird.” There was no other vocabulary available to me, because my world was incredibly, incredibly tiny.
Even if I did have some sense of dysphoria, I didn’t have the ability to place where it was coming from.
I was a kid with obsessive-compulsive disorder and ADHD. As such, I was in a constant state of anxiety and agitation growing up. When it became unmanageable, I would get really depressed.
In other words, emotional overwhelm was a constant in my life. Teasing apart where any of it came from wasn’t a simple process.
It only became more complicated as I got older. When I was a teenager, I developed an eating disorder and then found myself in an abusive relationship. The disconnect from my own body from there only became more intense. I was numb to it in so many ways.
Gender was not my concern at that time — simply surviving my mental illness and that relationship was all I could muster.
But thoughts about it started to surface, slowly but surely. When I began considering taking on a more androgynous appearance, and started questioning gender in my late teens, my abuser told me that I “wouldn’t be attractive anymore.”
My self-esteem was already so diminished. His comment made me feel so deeply ashamed for ever having considered being anything other than hyperfeminine and cisgender.
So I didn’t just tiptoe back into the closet… I leapt back in.
At first, I put any kind of gender-related thoughts on the highest shelf in a locked box. I couldn’t handle the idea of destabilizing my life in the way that transition — and by extension, ending that relationship — would’ve triggered.
There just wasn’t room for questioning my identity at that time in my life.
Between my OCD and my traumatic relationship, I was repressing the hell out of any gender-questioning thoughts. I didn’t have the emotional capacity, resources, and support to work through it.
It wasn’t until I got out of that relationship and started therapy that I could begin to untangle everything.
As I started to better manage my OCD and heal from the relationship that had destroyed my self-esteem, those questions about gender start to find their way to the surface again. I begin to wonder.
And I started searching online.
That’s when I really began questioning if some of my earlier feelings about being out of place — especially among girls my age — meant something.
I wondered if being disconnected from my body might be connected. I wondered if being drawn to androgyny (and the little things, like enjoying playing as “boy” characters on my favorite video games) might have meaning, too.
And I’ll be honest, I didn’t know for certain if those aspects of my earlier experiences did or didn’t have a gendered significance. Very few of us do in actuality, because identity is complicated, and gender is, too.
Not to mention, my history was very complex and painful. The thing about dysphoria is that so much of it is very abstract. Feelings aren’t as crystal clear as a lot of cisgender people seem to suggest.
Dysphoria isn’t this obvious neon sign that appears from the minute you exit the womb, especially in a society that does everything it can to make transgender people totally invisible to begin with.
We often don’t know where our feelings are coming from, especially if our backgrounds include trauma.
Which is why changing circumstances externally — our clothes, our pronouns, our names — can be so important. We do it to see how our feelings change so we can better understand what caused them, and more importantly, what we can do about them.
So I came out as genderqueer when I was 19 years old. I felt uncomfortable continuing to identify as a “girl” when I was having all these questions about my identity and my body.
I cut my hair, started changing how I dressed, started binding my chest, and began to imagine what my future might look like. I wanted to see if I would be happier or more comfortable in doing so.
For my parents, though, we’d never really had a conversation about my gender. What they saw was their teenager going off to college and catching something quite an awful lot like “rapid onset gender dysphoria.”
Except instead of the internet, it was that dang liberal arts school corrupting me.
But it became obvious, with each step of my social transition, that something magical was happening — I was coming out of my shell. I was happier. I felt a little more adventurous. I felt a little more at home.
I sat with myself and I said, “Okay. There’s something here.” I knew there was because with every change I made, I felt a little lighter in a way I never had before.
I soon learned that a disconnect from your body or self, disordered eating, anxiety, and a sense of isolation can all be a part of the transgender experience we call “dysphoria.”
It seems to be something a lot of us share. And more importantly, when some people transition, those experiences improve or even go away entirely.
When I finally understood that a gender transition was making me feel better and brighter… I was thrilled. But I was also hit with waves of very acute, very new gender dysphoria.
My internal reality was solidifying, but my experiences as I moved through the world weren’t aligning at the same time. That gap became more and more stark — and much more painful.
This was the “rapid onset.”
And if you talk to transgender people, a lot of us have the same story — we know our truth, but it also magnifies our pain. There’s the new distress of realizing that no one else sees it but us. The pain of invisibility.
While you are becoming the person you are meant to be, you simultaneously become invisible to the rest of the world — even to the people you love.
That is traumatic — and it can come on gradually for some people, and quickly for others, depending on when you came to understand your identity.
I knew who I was and I wanted that to be recognized. But it wasn’t. And the more erased I felt, the more pain I experienced.
I found myself focusing more and more about the aspects of my body that kept me from feeling seen. I’d never felt comfortable in my own skin, but now I had a better understanding as to why — and I had a clearer idea of what needed to change.
That’s when I started considering hormones.
At 22 years old, I was now growing impatient and miserable. I didn’t share these things with my parents at first, though, out of a fear of being rejected. They were your typical Midwest “ranch dressing” kind of parents — they knew very little about what any of this gender stuff meant.
But I came out to them anyway.
They were, in the deepest sense of the word, confused.
But more than that, they were terrified, because they’d never once heard me talk about questioning my gender. For them, the pain I was describing was sudden and life-altering.
And, yes, “rapid.”
But it wasn’t the dysphoric feelings that were necessarily new. It was the urgency to address them that was new — because I learned there was a solution, a path I could finally take.
That urgency made the dysphoria feel stronger. But in all likelihood, it may have been there in some form all along.
But either way, it hardly seemed to matter when it began. I just needed to know if testosterone could help me. And if it didn’t? I could always stop.
So I held my breath, emailed my parents, and told them what I was prepared to do. And my mother especially — while she was terrified about what would happen next — did what every parent of a trans youth should be doing: she stood by me.
Rather than looking to change who I was, or digging for evidence that I was delusional, or blaming somebody else in my life… she pumped the brakes. She moved through her fears and came out on the other side of that as my biggest supporter.
And being supportive didn’t mean that she wasn’t afraid. It didn’t mean that she didn’t have questions, doubts, or worries. It didn’t mean that she understood everything that I was talking about.
What it meant was that she had the courage to walk through those fears with me, and do everything she could to support my own happiness, even if the path was totally unknown and even scary to her.
My mom didn’t see my coming out as a fluke, nor did she see my transition as a threat. She saw it as an opportunity for her to grow.
And while she stumbled and wasn’t always graceful, she did everything she could to be there for me, no matter what.
With my family’s support, I began my medical transition. I won’t lie — I was scared, too, at first. I wondered if I could be mistaken. I wondered if it was my OCD playing tricks on me. I worried that maybe trauma had led me astray.
But after years in therapy, and multiple gender specialists weighing in, this was the conclusion we had all reached. It was worth a try.
I’m grateful every single day that I took the chance. And I’m just as grateful that my parents were by my side, supporting me through it.
I started hormones, I got top surgery, and with each step, there was a light in my eyes that wasn’t there before. I came alive. I was happier, more confident, and the emotional overwhelm that seemed to buzz around me my whole life slowly began to fade.
As my parents saw this unfolding, even they couldn’t deny what was happening. I was finally calm. I was optimistic. And most importantly, I was ecstatic.
And one of the greatest, most unexpected gifts of my transition?
My mom (who I will freely admit, like most teenagers, was not my favorite person growing up) became one of my best friends.
Even as my mom struggled to understand me (and still does sometimes), that has never once been an obstacle in her loving and supporting me.
My parents are proud of their gay, transgender son. I know this because they don’t hesitate to remind me.
And looking at their example — two people who really couldn’t have been more unprepared for a trans kid — is what still gives me hope, even as proponents of this pseudoscience try to undermine and invalidate trans youth.
Hope even for the parents that participated in the Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria “study,” who may someday learn that their fear is worth embracing — that it’s an opportunity to grow, to love, and to listen.
An opportunity to better know this wonderful person that they brought into the world — to see, for the very first time, what lies in their heart, and to prove to them that they’re still worthy of love exactly as they are.
My parents embraced that opportunity despite all the grief that came with it. And when I ask them why, their answer to me is always simple: “Because we love you.”
We didn’t always know that I was transgender or that I even had gender dysphoria. But when my parents look at me today — and they see a happier, healthier adult — none of that really seems to matter anymore.
I hope that one day, we’ll live in a world where parents of transgender youth, no matter how “rapid” their coming out, will get to experience that same joy, too.
That moment when they look at their kids, brighter than ever, and finally understand that the journey is absolutely worth it.
If you’re suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386, or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.
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I found he link to this on your Twitter aft r looking through the hashtag ROGD to see what the heck it was about and just…yes.
Your experience is much like my own, and as you said alot of us experience this sort of disconnect with the world when we come out finally and it is awful.
You described this beautifully, and it kind of makes me want to start writing out my own story.
Thank you so much for your story it brought tears to my eyes and old emotions swelling up like a geyser(aka I cried like a baby reading this).
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Thank you, Sam, for so clearly mapping out an experience so much misunderstood (if understood at all) by most people. The apparent suddenness of change that come with discovering there are words for feelings that had had no name for years is common in regard to gender issues and also mental illness (example, your struggles to get a correct diagnosis).
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Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
Sam Dylan French – What seems sudden and rapid has history.
Although it took me a little while longer to get there, my experience with dysphoria has so much in common with your own. This article was so touching and heartfelt. I can’t help but cry! My parents’ acceptance is really important to me. I haven’t come out yet, but plan to do so when I see them for the holidays. I’m super apprehensive and nervous about how they’ll react… I think about it all the time, often tearing up in the process as I imagine their rejection or refusal. It may be overly optimistic, but I want my mom to have a part in choosing a new name for me. I hope that when I do come out, I can have an experience like yours! Thank you so much for sharing. Your story make me hopeful!
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This was incredibly well written. Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I can definitely relate to the feelings of the outside world not seeing what is happening on the inside. It wasn’t until I started hormones that my world started to align. -Alex
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Thank you so much for putting i to words what I am experiencing right now at 37 years old. Looking back it has been slowly building for 5 years until a few weeks ago and my wife and I were talking and bammm! I had to admit to myself I am transgender. I was and am scared as hell but also excited and slowly starting to feel more like me as I a place to explore myself mentally, emotionally, and with the loving support of my wife. I hope to start hormones in a few months…lose some weight…then in about a year for my 38th birthday have top surgery.
I wish I could bind but I can’t it would not be a good idea for me and my activity level outdoors.
I came out to my first family member yesterday. My Aunt, my mother’s sister. She was amazing about it and I love her so much for it. My parents have been divorced since I was 2. My father raised me and didn’t take my coming out as gay well at all. I left home at 17 because of it. I may print your blog and info about ROGD for them to read while I am sitting there and talk to both sets of my parents at the same time.
I am so so scared of how they will react because I know to them I never gave any sign of this to them. But I know I did looking back. My stepmom just forced me to be as feminine as she could get me until I left home. So much is happening to me so fast I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.
Thank you for this article.
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What a beautiful story thank you so much for sharing <3.
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Thank you for putting words to this, because I have yet to be able to. I have had a similar experience and it terrifies my parents, but now I know I’m not alone. Thank you so so much for sharing your story.
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Thank you so much for writing this, Sam! As a mom of a trans girl, I was horrified to read the poorly-constructed ROGD paper. This post is exactly the kind of thing we need to counter the pseudo-science. The parents in that study even noted the exact types of signs you describe here – abusive relationships, mental health issues, medical concerns, social isolation, research of gender issues, impatience to begin exploring – and fail to recognize them as early outward signs of gender dysphoria once their children come out. It saddens me that so many parents choose to reject their own children’s journey to self-acceptance and identity.
I wish you the best, and say hi to your mom for me!
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When you said gender wasn’t your concern at the time, you were focused on your mental health, I can relate. I had inklings that I was bi throughout high school but was just trying to make it through & manage my anxiety. Thanks for writing this piece- you write in a way I think many people can relate to.
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Thank you so much for writing this and sharing. I saw parts of myself in this story, I can relate to those early days. And it’s one of those glimmers of hope.