This meme is basically my life.

I think it’s interesting to be writing about my gender transition so publicly. I am not always given the luxury of uncertainty or ambiguity.

But truthfully, I am still getting to know who I am and, by extension, how my gender manifests in the world.

I’ve used a lot of words to describe myself: Genderqueer, non-binary, transmasculine, genderfluid, genderweird, androgynous, agender, even bigender to name a handful. I’ve used ze/hir pronouns, e/em pronouns, they/them pronouns, he/him pronouns.

I think of these labels as hats that I’ve tried on at different points in my life, searching for what fits, what suits me.

I’ve made no effort to hide the fact that I’m a gender explorer. I haven’t settled anywhere just yet – and I am comfortable in that fluid space. I dabble in femininity, masculinity, androgyny, and agender expressions and I’ve found happiness in liberating myself from prescribed boxes and letting myself roam.

I’m still figuring it out. This is why I most often refer to myself as “non-binary” – I am holding that space as I learn more and more about myself.

Recently, though, I realized that not everyone is willing to hold that space for non-binary people.

Last week, I was banned from an online group of femme and non-binary writers. A cisgender moderator determined that because I’d used the word “transmasculine” in the past and used he/him pronouns, I was not, in fact, “non-binary.”

I was booted without discussion or question, labelled a “misogynist” for taking up space as a “trans man,” and slandered in writing circles that I had previously held in high respect.

I debated if I would talk publicly about what happened. But I think this is a prime example of the many fundamental misunderstandings of non-binary people and their experiences, and raises two really important questions:

What is the place of non-binary and genderfluid people in explicitly gendered spaces? And how can we be inclusive of non-binary people in spaces like these?

So I’m going to talk about this.

First, I think we should pinpoint what it means to be non-binary. Non-binary refers to experiences of gender that are not exclusively masculine or feminine. It’s an umbrella of experiences.

I have identified as non-binary for five years. This is because my experience of gender is fluid – I have a fluid expression that I am still exploring, and I don’t identify as a man or a woman.

I use he/him pronouns not because I am a trans man or because I’m exclusively masculine. I actually respond to both “they” AND “him” (and if you’ll notice, many interviews and talks I’ve given have used these interchangeably).

However, “he” is easiest and my preference is not particularly strong, so I have defaulted to “he” overtime.

It’s also worth noting here that pronouns are also not necessarily linked to one’s gender. Pronouns are words first and foremost, and they can have deeply personal meanings to each individual.

Some of us use binary pronouns to keep us safe, to adapt in the face of trauma, or because the pronouns we desire are simply not accepted in a binary world.

This is why it’s really best not to assume someone’s identity on the basis of pronouns – it could be much more complicated than you realize.

This particular group, though, consisting almost exclusively of cisgender people made the assumption that “he” meant I could not be non-binary and consequently misgendered me as a “trans man.”

No questions asked, I was banned because I did not use the language that cisgender people wanted me to.

But here’s the thing: At the end of the day, it’s not up to cisgender people to decide the language non-binary people should use to describe themselves. It is not your experience nor your place.

It’s arrogant to assume that, as a binary person, you could possibly advise or understand. And if you are trying to build a space that is inclusive of non-binary people, it is your place to listen – not to assume, impose, or erase.

This kind of smug, violent assumption – that cisgender people somehow know what it means to be non-binary better than we do – is why many non-binary people do not feel welcome in these spaces in the first place.

It’s this bullshit that makes non-binary people feel silenced and excluded. Even when we try to articulate our experiences, so many cisgender people reject them and instead, take their binary framework of the world and impose it onto us.

I’ve said I am not a man. I’ve never called myself a man. So why call me one? Because you don’t believe me or because you are unwilling to hear me out on my experiences?

Transphobia. This is transphobia, plain and simple.

And this is erasure: Being so unwilling to tune in when we are talking about our experiences that you simply deny our identities altogether.

I think another fundamental misunderstanding of gender that came up during this situation was the idea that gender is somehow static.

When we create gendered spaces – spaces that are exclusively for folks of a certain expression or experience – it immediately assumes that all people have a fixed understanding of their gender.

This is patently untrue.

As non-binary, I fluidly move between expressions. There are countless bi/trigender and genderfluid people who do not occupy a fixed point on the spectrum.

And if we do not hold space for folks who are more fluid, how can we claim to be inclusive?

This group could not imagine a scenario in which a non-binary person might dabble in masculinity and still call themselves non-binary. They couldn’t imagine a scenario in which a non-binary person’s identity was not fixed like theirs.

Not only that, but they didn’t feel it was relevant or important to actually ask me how I experience my gender or believe me when I said I didn’t identify as a man or woman.

If you are looking to hold space for “non-binary people” without qualification, that means all non-binary people – even those who are questioning, even those who are fluid, even those who occupy multiple spaces simultaneously.

I think this comes back to the idea that many spaces that claim to be inclusive of non-binary people are actually just offering lip service.

They don’t bother to educate themselves, they don’t consult NB people when creating these spaces, and they don’t care to know about our lived experiences.

As a non-binary person who writes for femme-centric magazines and holds space in communities that are femme-centric, my rule of thumb is to always ask who the spaces are intended for, and only enter into these spaces when I am invited.

It’s something that I hope all non-binary people do when weighing whether or not to be part of a particular community.

But I take serious issue with spaces that applaud themselves for being inclusive of non-binary people, but make no intentional effort to ensure that we are not erased.

NB folks often feel so grateful to be included and do not want to derail the focus of these groups that we feel helpless to advocate for ourselves. These spaces receive no pushback or accountability because NB people feel disempowered in spaces that are not designed with them in mind.

We are invited in word only, but never engaged with on a meaningful level. We’re not asked if we feel included; we are there as tokens and tokens only.

So as a non-binary person who is ridiculously fed up with spaces exploiting my community – by using us as props to hold up as proof of their “inclusiveness” – I want to offer some advice to communities, online and off, who are genuinely committed to holding space for non-binary people:

  1. Realize that not all non-binary people are cut from the same cloth. Some of us are mostly masculine with a femme edge; some of us are utterly androgynous or void of gender; some of us are demiboys or demigirls; some of us are genderfluid or gender-questioning or gender nonconforming. We are not a monolith. Don’t treat us like one.
  2. Be specific about who your space is for. If you want a group for feminine-of-center people, say so. If you want a group for masculine-of-center people, say so. NB people have varied experiences of power and privilege, so it’s important to qualify where needed. Don’t lump us all together and expect us to understand who your space is for.
  3. Believe us. Do not call into question what our gender is. Do not assume what our gender is. It is transphobic to disregard someone’s stated identity because they do not express themselves or articulate their experiences the way that you would prefer. Non-binary people don’t exist for your comfort and our genders are for us, and us alone, to declare.
  4. Let us speak for ourselves. Do not impose your narratives onto us. Do not try to place us within a binary framework to make it “easier” for you. We can discuss our experiences for ourselves. We are not men unless we say so. We are not women unless we say so. We are only what we say we are – so ask us if you’re unclear on what that means.
  5. Hold space for non-binary people to be uncertain. Recognize that because there are so few visible narratives or scripts for us to follow, we may still be in the process of questioning or trying to articulate our experiences. We may still be sorting this out. Keep this in mind if you are inviting us into your space.
  6. Do not make judgments on whether or not we belong based on our appearance. Non-binary people can express themselves in varied ways and may be expressing themselves a particular way for our own safety. This does not mean we are “faking” being non-binary.
  7. Do not use gendered language to refer to everyone in the space. This is a no-brainer – don’t invite non-binary people into your space and then refer to everyone as women or men.
  8. Don’t include us if you don’t plan on doing the work. If you aren’t committed to listening, educating yourself, and creating policies that ensure we are safe in your space, don’t bother. We do not want to be props in your social justice credibility game.


The conversation around non-binary inclusion is an important one. What happened to me is not uncommon – NB people are routinely erased or even banned from spaces by cis and trans folks alike who do not understand their experiences.

I write this not because being banned from this group was the end of the world (there are plenty of spaces that are designed with me in mind, spaces that I am infinitely grateful for), but because there are bigger questions at play here.

I write this because what happened to me exposes a serious systemic issue that exists in many social justice spaces – how non-binary people are “invited” to the table, but are driven away through erasure and transphobia the second they arrive.

If you are more interested in applauding yourself for inviting us instead of doing the work to include us, you are not socially just – you are simply the oppressors under another name.

If you claim to be a space that is inclusive of non-binary people, deliver on what you promise. Because we are done being your footnotes or afterthoughts.




  1. Yikes. I’m so sorry (although not surprised….) that you had that experience, that you had to write this post.

    Now I feel so utterly simplistic: a couple days ago I found myself standing in front of a “male/female” toilet in a hip coffee house, noting with displeasure that the “female” was represented by a form with a dress on, and wondering whether I was allowed in there 1) not feeling particularly gender assigned and 2) not wearing a dress. Or pants. I was wearing something else that day.

    That moment fades, reading of yours. Yours reminds me of my long ago attempts to be included in the lesbian community, only to be roughly rejected because I am not “cis” enough. OK. I’m just weird, and that’s that.

    It’s incredibly unfortunate that groups who trumpet inclusiveness nevertheless practice exclusion, and cruelly.

    I’ve experienced similar rejections on the “famous” Aspie forum, supposed to be so supportive, because I couldn’t comprehend certain terminology that I was unfamiliar with, and told to “go look it up.” At that point I felt, what’s the point here, if there is no support for someone who is not only autistic, but also dissociates and has sensory integration issues?

    I admire your tenacity and commitment to both your own quest, and to making the fluid-gendered world more understandable, navigable, and, hopefully, kinder for those who are seeking to get some kind of grip on something that seems to always be swimming away.

    For my part, I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know if it’s the Asperger part, or if I just have my bullshit meter calibrated real fine, or if I’m just too traumatized by rejection…I’ve stopped looking for support, which hurts…But at least that way I don’t have to endure being told I’ve used the fucking “wrong” pronoun.

    I won’t write the vulgar thoughts I’m thinking, regarding the….who had the cruel thoughtlessness to say things like that to you. Don’t they know that people with gender issues have a hugely high suicide rate???

    If it makes any difference at all, Sam, I not only think you’re swell, but also a fine human being. You’re an inspiration to a whole lot of people, myself included. I’ve become comfortable with my gender-fluidity, in my old age, but I remember those times when things were supposed to be cut-and-dried, and I was neither cut nor dried….

    So fuck ’em, Sam. They’re the ones who are missing out by raining on you. Big time.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad it strikes you that way!

        I tell you, speaking of strikes, that after I wrote about the symbols on the bathroom doors, I realized that they are really symbols, not mere glyphs. And suddenly I rejected their narrative. I thought about a friend’s son, in the ’80’s, six years old and rummaging through the girls’ clothes in community clothing exchange, and he had very good taste, purples mostly. Sequined high heels. He was, I believe I have said, six years old. Everyone in our crazy wonderful grad student community just tripped right along with him, gave him tiaras, high heels…And everybody had a good time.

        He had big crushes on pretty girls, who disdained him because he had better handbags than they did.

        But looking at that door I realize that we lack glyphs to represent those of us who do not stick to any one gender, or any gender at all. Is there such a thing and I don’t know about it? If yes, then I want to start shopping it, because crucial. If there is, then I need to know where to get it…..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mmmmm…..Well….that’s a whole narrative in hieroglyphics, to me, although a good effort. I’d rather just have a glyph of a fucking toilet, and they’d better ALL be accessible. Like in my “other” country there’s just a word printed on the door, and even if you can’t read that particular language you quickly learn that word and what it looks like. No stupid symbols to annoy or confuse. Just “sherutim” (services, translation). First time I went into a multiple-stall one and saw a male phenotype from a different ethnic group exit a stall, I went back outside and looked at the door again, much to my native companion’s mirth. Yup, “sherutim.” And that’s for whoever is in need. Why not just put a “toilet” sign on the door and be done with it?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Agreed that spaces that say they are welcoming to non-binary people should actually follow through on that promise. If they had specifically defined their space for femme / transfeminine people only, then they would have a case for excluding trans men (I blogged about that at http://funcrunch.org/blog/2015/07/24/womens-spaces-are-for-women/). But they certainly should not assume that someone is a binary trans man, or even transmasculine, just because he uses “he” pronouns. I’m agender and I reluctantly accept “he” pronouns from strangers in public just to get through the day, but online and with friends I make it clear that I prefer “they.”

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I think WP didn’t let my first version of this comment go through, but if it did, sorry for the double comment :/

    To me, “transmasculine” is clearly within the umbrella of non-binary, cause my understanding is that it means someone who is AFAB and masculine-of-center, but not necessarily all the way at the male/ man end. (Although even calling onseself a trans man shouldn’t be incompatible with being non-binary.) So that’s just another way they seem not to have understood non-binary folks and how we describe ourselves.

    I applaud all your points about how spaces inclusive of non-binary people should be supportive of fluidity, questioning and exploration, and terms and expressions that might not be what binary cis people would expect. I identify as male, transmasculine, genderqueer and agender at the same time. It largely depends on context – to a stranger in a public restroom, I hope to be seen as male and let’s leave it at that. With my close friends, I probably come off as “queer” more than any particular gender. Plus, since I’m into goth and metal, I have waist length hair and wear eyeliner sometimes, which must further mystify people who have rigid ideas about how “men” and “women” express themselves. I’m not out to be a textbook man or non-binary person, just to have fun and be myself.

    At the same time, being seen as a man is pretty important to me – whether to keep myself safe in a transphobic world, or to avoid being seen as a woman by people who think those are the only two options, or because of some innate desire, I don’t really know. It makes me think that in a non-binary space, I’d get criticized for being “too binary” since my presentation is geared to be perceived as male. Meanwhile I sometimes also feel that I’m “not trans enough” since my internal sense of gender is so wishy washy.

    Luckily I’ve only rarely had any problems with people over stuff like that, but it’s always a worry in the back of my head, that I’m not living up to some standard of being trans or non-binary enough. I guess I’ve internalized the sort of misconceptions you talk about in this post :/ But reading your blog, especially posts like this, has helped me to feel more confident in my un-pin-downable identity, and the idea of being on a gender journey without knowing the endpoint. So thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally vibe with what you’re saying and relate to so much of it. 😦 ❤

      It's easy to feel like we aren't "trans enough" when these misconceptions are prevalent in every single space we enter into. I think the idea of "holding space" is important – we need to give people the room to explore their gender and find the language that makes sense. And for the love of all that is good, stop telling folks that they're doing gender "wrong." You are what you say you are; gender is personal, not a public debate.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on Fairy JerBear's Queer/Trans News, Views & More From The City Different – Santa Fe, NM and commented:
    A must read post about transitioning as a non-binary person and a blogger. This deals with issues like people policing who is and isn’t non-binary and/or trans enough. As a fellow non-binary gender identified person I really relate to this pist. Thankfully I have had a more welcoming reception but I see these issues arise, particularly on Tumblr. I find that reception in the real world has been even more welcoming thanks to an inclusive trans community.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m really glad to have found your blog. I’ve found it tricky to get recognition for any kind of non-binary identity where I am in the UK. When I read Judith Butler at 24, it made the world feel like a place I could exist in. But at 37, I’m just tired and angry. Great blog. What you’re doing is so important.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for this. I look like a straight cis-gendered lass, but I’m bi, and on the inside a lot more androgynous than my physical presentation suggests. Mostly I just let people assume what’s easiest for them, because fighting people about who I think I am is emotionally exhausting and seldom worth it. Fluidity is a word I am liking a lot, thank you for that. Permission not to be a fixed and clearly defined entity. Thank you for this also.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve dealt with this a LOT from the feminist community: my experiences as a young female don’t count because I have come out as non-binary, and I am accused of using male privilege in not-strictly-stated “female” spaces to “derail” the conversation. Pisses me right the hell of, especially since I consider myself a feminist…


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