Hey Sam, a friend recently came out as transgender. I’m very confused because, as a close friend of many years and trans myself, I didn’t see this coming. They’ve never expressed discomfort with their assigned gender, and now they’re taking up a lot of space speaking on trans issues on TikTok despite this being so new. There’s something about this that lacks sincerity. It feels very… trans-trendy, but I know that would be hurtful to say. What should I do?

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Phew! Thanks for writing — I think your question is something that’s bubbling up a lot in our community, especially in the last few years, and I’m grateful that you trusted me to answer it.

There’s a lot to this, so I’m going to address this piece by piece.

“They’ve never expressed discomfort with their assigned gender.”

…that you know of! 🙈

Yes, I understand the logic of “I’m your close friend and I’m trans, wouldn’t you invite me into your process here?” 

But consider this: There are a lot of possible explanations for why they didn’t share their questions and discomfort with you. 

They might have felt insecure opening up to someone who feels like an “expert,” and that could include lived experience of an identity they were nervous to explore. 

It’s possible they were withholding because they didn’t want to offend as they untangled the messier parts of their self-discovery.

When I first came into my trans identity, I leaned heavily on folks who were newer to coming out because, frankly, trans folks who were further into their journeys didn’t feel relatable to me and sometimes felt intimidating! That was my own stuff to work through, of course, but it’s pretty common.

If you’re hurt or confused by how sudden this is, I would encourage you to be curious about your friend’s experience and learn more about how they arrived here before assuming it isn’t sincere, or veering into questionable rhetoric.

It sounds like you might need more information to update the story you have about them. 

And that’s okay! If you’re close friends, I’d encourage you to work on that before anything else.

“They’re taking up a lot of space speaking on trans issues on TikTok despite this being so new.”

Ah, a tale as old as time, my friend! (Well, at least as far as the Internet goes back.)

Sometimes the energy of “this is me now!” can inspire a surge of creativity, confidence, and determination, and with social media rewarding this kind of urgency, this can create overnight advocates.

I think we need to get more specific about why, exactly, their visibility is bothering you, though, and tend to the underlying emotion.

Is their content inaccurate, reductionist, or misleading? 

We’re not talking about a minor and low stakes opinion, which you’ll find plenty of online and, in my experience, is better left alone.

As someone who has been known to waste my finite energy debating things that aren’t actually that critical, I’ve learned to determine the stakes by asking myself these questions:

• Is this an additive conversation? Does it nourish our community (with better discernment, more hope, deeper unity, and/or greater intelligence as we organize across differences)?
• Does this conversation relate to issues of tangible impact? So, it results in a meaningful action taken or not, like voting on a bill, organizing in a particular way, or supporting a direct action.
• Is this a well-established conversation? So, has the underlying question been weighed in on by scholars, activists, etc, and are we uplifting and iterating upon their work? 

You may have a different barometer for what you will and won’t engage with, and that’s okay! These are just my personal measures.

If your friend is engaging in conversations that have meaningful stakes, here are some options on how to respond (depending on your capacity, and only after you’ve reestablished trust in the friendship):

• Inaccurate? Invite them deeper into the topic. You might mention that you saw their recent TikTok, and you’d like to send them something related to the conversation that might interest them. Don’t do this with the expectation that they change their mind — approach with curiosity, patience, good faith, and openness.
• Reductionist or misleading? Ask if they’re open to feedback. If something they’ve posted feels sketchy, I would encourage having a conversation in real time, since text-based conversations (without indicators like tone or expression) can make feedback feel more like criticism or hostility. No need to shame them, just share what you know and what concerns you, and give them additional time to process independently and decide what to do with this information.
• Chronically online? Mute their social media. If you find their content frustrating because it feels a bit trivial, remind yourself that this could be a growth edge for them (or, frankly, they’re just bored). Either way, they’re allowed the space to learn out loud. Mute them without making yourself personally responsible for everything they say and do online.

Is the success of their content or platform bothering you? 

To be clear, I’m not judging! As someone who has been a vocal advocate for over a decade, when I’ve seen a trans person who recently came out amass millions of followers in a short span of time, I’ve experienced a mixture of annoyance, fear, and jealousy.

If this applies, here are some options to consider:

• If you’re annoyed… If you can, support them anyway. I know, I know. But there are plenty of trans folks who documented their coming out journey, and with time, became seasoned, respected activists and leaders in the community (including me!). Everyone has a different starting place. Try to focus on what your friend is doing well, point them to veteran activists and relevant resources if they’re open to it, and remember that a rising tide can lift all boats, if we work together.
• If you’re fearful… Is this fear about their safety, or fear about being left behind (or both)? If it’s the former, this makes sense — being a visible trans person on the internet is a high stakes role, and many aren’t prepared for it! This might be a worthwhile emotion to share with your friend, as an expression of care about their well-being. If this is fear about being left behind as your friend becomes more known in the community, notice where you might be feeling some distance between you, and ask yourself what you might need (verbal reassurance, intentional time together, a therapy or journal session) to soothe this part of yourself.
• If you’re jealous… Hey, that’s great information to have! Jealousy is often revealing to us something we lack or currently desire. Is seeing the support your friend receives online stirring up grief about support you didn’t receive in the past? Are you a content creator or do you wish to be a leader in the community? Let your jealousy point you toward what you need and want, rather than critiquing what your friend is doing.

“There’s something about this that lacks sincerity. It feels very… trans-trendy, but I know that would be hurtful to say.”

So, another way of putting this is… the vibe feels off.

This is where I’ll (again) invite some nuance here: It feels off to you. 

Maybe that’s because it’s sudden from your perspective, or because they’re sharing more online than they are with you offline. While something may indeed feel off, I’m going to gently poke at your conclusion that this is definitely about them.

Please remember that an online persona not mapping to “real life” doesn’t necessarily make it insincere. It just makes it unfamiliar to you as someone who has more history with this person.

I’ve used my social media as a “practice space” for parts of myself I’ve been afraid of embodying in my offline relationships, mostly because the stakes felt lower with strangers than risking rejection from the people I loved in my “real life.”

Whether that was embodying confidence, or queerness, or a new aesthetic, or unmasking in some other way, it was helpful to have a space where I could be more of myself in a lower risk, more buffered way.

It’s entirely possible that this person is working through something and using their social media to do so, and sure, they may change their mind later as they learn more about themselves!

But your role here isn’t gatekeeper, it’s friend. (Right?) And a friend with years of history, at that!

So, in response to your “what should I do?” question, I’d say my ultimate answer is: Stay open. 

To start, examine what you’re bringing to the table. Start with your emotions and own your assumptions, because that’s much more valuable information about what you need and how to navigate your unique relationship to them.

As far as their TikTok is concerned, your job isn’t to play “gender police” and uncover an imposter on behalf of the community. That’s not a real job, and I suspect you know this, because you mention that it would be hurtful to approach them that way.

I’m grateful that you’re staying grounded and seeking advice first because yes, you’re right! Accusing your friend of insincerity would be hurtful, especially when it comes from another trans person and a close friend at that.

Everyone has the right to explore who they are and let their journey unfold, even if it’s messy. And in the rare circumstance that they decide that this isn’t for them, you haven’t lost anything! If anything, you chose to practice compassion and patience at a time when your friend needed it.

There’s good news here, though, if you’re able to receive it: Congratulations! You, a trans person, just discovered that a close friend is also trans!! 

When you’re able to move through your discomfort around it, think about the potential here.

The trans only events, the memes and inside jokes, the shared pride, and most importantly, ushering someone you love into a more alive version of themselves.

What a privilege, to see someone you love through something like this, and meet them again for the first time.

If you dwell in this space of skepticism for too long, you could miss the shared joy that’s available to you both, here and now.

Good luck! 🍀

Sam

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