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Sam Dylan Finch

Sam. Queer writer, mental health advocate, oversharer. OCD/ADHD. Powered by sparkle emojis, antidepressants, and testosterone. ✨ He/him. More?

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I don’t know what I thought my transition was going to look like. I didn’t have an image in my mind of what I believed I “should” look like. All that I had was a sense of anxiety and curiosity, not knowing where I was going but feeling pretty sure I couldn’t stay where I was. 🌸 There are plenty of #transgender narratives out there of people who always knew, and transitioned with the certainty and determination of a freaking superhero. And kudos to them — it’s never an easy decision. But I didn’t rush toward my transition with a cape on, throwing myself at it. I tiptoed my way through, testing the water, nervously hoping I wasn’t about to screw my whole life up. 🌸 I didn’t believe in stereotypes by any means, but it still weighed on me: Could I really be a boy that also loved the color pink, loved dance and interior design and fashion, loved houseplants and cats and twinkle lights? Could I be everything I knew myself to be — which defied every stereotype I knew of about masculinity — and STILL be transgender? 🌸 The answer, as it turns out, is yes. Because I’ve never been happier, more comfortable in my skin. I show up for modern dance class wearing a pink hoodie, I live in a lovely apartment that I decorated myself, filled with cats and plants and twinkle lights. I do all of that with a beard and a flat chest, which yes, has nothing to do with the rest. 🌸 Transitioning is actually what has allowed me to embrace all of the things that I love, because I’m no longer afraid to enjoy them. I get the very particular joy that comes with rediscovering who you are when you’re less afraid to become that person. I’m not worried about what other people see in me, because I’m very sure of who I am. 🌸 And that’s a very human journey, that kind of discovering. The only difference is that my path required some medical interventions that cis people’s typically do not. And for all the complexities of my experience, or any trans experience, its core truth is actually a deeply relatable one: We all want to move through the world as our whole selves. How we get there might make us different, but what we all long for is, remarkably, much the same.

It’s another 3-card spread and this time, it’s focused on trauma! The questions at hand: (1) WHAT PAIN AM I STILL HOLDING FROM MY PAST? (2) HOW CAN I BEGIN TO HEAL? WHERE DO I FOCUS MY ATTENTION? (3) IF I DEDICATE MYSELF TO THIS INNER WORK, WHAT WILL EMERGE? ✨ My past pain: THE EMPEROR. ✨ Rigidity, restriction, rules, and control from authority figures in my past made it difficult for me to feel as though I could truly be myself and be seen. I lost the ability to say “no” or voice my experiences, leading to a profound sense of powerlessness. This lack of agency in my life disconnected me from my own spirit, emotional reality, and body. I felt erased and trapped, and this is a pain I still wrestle with now. ✨ My focus: THE HIEROPHANT (r) ✨ I need to forge my own path. If there are forces external to me that are exerting some kind of control over my life, I need to release them. I have to honor my authentic voice and desires, even if it means challenging existing establishments and resisting the status quo. My focus should be freeing myself, even if that means making difficult decisions. ✨ What emerges: PAGE OF CUPS (r) ✨ Part of my process needs to be finding a healthy creative outlet. In looking to liberate myself from this pain, I may be tempted to be reckless, which is why a focused practice that allows me to creatively express myself will be vital. If I can find what that is for me, I can expect to release some of what keeps me tethered to this past pain. ✨ 🃏: @personalspacepress 🖋: @samdylanfinch

There have been times when I’ve spent so much time fixated on changing the perceptions of people who didn’t really get me, I invested too little in the connections I had with the people that did. It didn’t get me anywhere... but it was a hamster wheel that felt useful at the time. 🌱 When I look back, I can see why chasing validation from withholding people felt important. The more difficult someone was to please, the more determined I was to make them like me. The challenge of it made me feel special, chosen, valuable. Back then, it hadn’t occurred to me that this pattern was only hurting me. 🌱 My life changed in profound ways when I decided to stop giving myself to people who were skeptical about my value. When I started listening to the little voice in the back of my head asking, “Is this really worth it?” The voice that said, “I shouldn’t have to convince someone that I’m worth loving.” 🌱 Some of us spend our entire lives trying to prove that we are worthy to all the wrong people, while rejecting the ones who already know that we are for fear of disappointing them. We hold kind people captive — close enough to care about us, but distant enough to ensure they can’t hurt us. And we suffer, because it’s a familiar pain. 🌱 We deprive ourselves of real and loving connections in favor of painful ones, all in an attempt to prove that we can be loved — without realizing we already are, or already can be. Because if we can secure the Difficult Love, even from an abuser, we can right a past pain that we didn’t even realize we were carrying. 🌱 When I chose to view my self-worth as a prize to be won from skeptical people, rather than seeing loving connection as my birthright, I trapped myself in a traumatic cycle of relational self-harm. Maybe you have, too? 🌸 Here’s the thing, though... it begins with awareness. Your people are out there. And their love won’t hurt, won’t be demanding, won’t be entitled or just out of reach... it’ll scare the hell out of you, but it’s waiting for you. When you’re ready, come back to the love you have always deserved. 🌸 📚: @jerico.mandybur 🖋: @samdylanfinch

Every feeling deserves the spaciousness and gentle acceptance it needs to be felt.

Every survivor needs to hear this. (Including me on a daily freaking basis.) 🌸

Maybe today, you don’t need to save the world. Maybe you can save yourself, and by doing the inner healing work, you shine a light for others to follow. ✨

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