One of my favorite concepts that I’ve encountered as an activist is the idea of “holding space.”
To break it down further, “holding space” is about making room for certain experiences, feelings, or perspectives to be acknowledged and affirmed that may otherwise be pushed aside or invalidated.
Holding space can be powerful. I’m a big believer in giving people the space to open up – and in doing so, building greater understandings of where someone is coming from. A little affirmation can go a long way in making someone feel whole.
And one thing that I’ve noticed as a transgender person is that people hold very little space for us.
Society at large has a very particular idea of what the trans experience is – and it doesn’t give us room to have honest, real conversations about what we’re going through, especially when it contradicts this narrative.
This leads us to struggling internally with some big questions that we’re afraid to ask – because in asking them, we’re fearful that it undermines our identity or will lead others to question our authenticity.
So today, I want to hold a lot of space for the complicated feelings that sometimes arise when we’re coming to accept ourselves as transgender.
Because what we’re told is that we’re born with a crystal-clear understanding of our gender, embark on binary medical transition, and achieve ultimate happiness and certainty. Right? But what I know from experience is that, for many of us, it’s much more complex than that.
So let’s talk – and I mean really talk – about some of the questions many transgender people are thinking about, but might be afraid to ask. And together, let’s hold space for all of the complicated feelings that arise as we explore them.
1. Am I Really Trans? What If I’m Making This Up?
Confession: I ask myself this a lot.
“Wait, Sam,” you might be saying. “You write publicly about your identity! You’re active in the community! You’re even taking hormones! And you mean to tell me that you’re unsure if you’re trans?”
Yes, that’s precisely what I’m saying.
In fact, I can assure you from firsthand experience that many, many transgender people grapple with this question – even years into their transition.
And I have some theories as to why, too – if it helps.
If someone told you your whole life that you were a terrible dancer and suddenly you received a first prize trophy for a dance competition, you’d probably feel like an imposter, right? Similarly, when society tells us we’re cisgender (and that being cis is the only option), it can take years and years before we feel secure in ourselves as trans.
Not only that, but trans people are often called into question for not being “trans enough,” are accused of “faking it” for dubious reasons, and are met with disbelief when we first come out.
There’s this culture of interrogation around transness – namely, that trans people have to prove that they’re trans (to get respect, to get healthcare, to find support).
We constantly have our validity called into question by cis and trans people alike. It leads us to internalize this voice of doubt and to intensely question ourselves as society at large does to us.
Feeling invalid or like an imposter is actually a totally normal thing to feel as transgender. It can be difficult to believe in ourselves when people seldom believe in us.
Getting past that hurdle can take time (look at me, I’m still trying), but it’s good to keep this in perspective and remember that feeling this way does not undermine who you are or make you any less “trans” than someone else.
2. Is It Okay If I Wasn’t Always Like This?
The short answer: YES! That’s absolutely okay!
Unless you screamed, “I’m queer and I’m here!” as you exited the womb, it seems like society is dissatisfied with trans people when they come into consciousness at a later age (it’s actually a double-edged sword: We’re too young to actually know, or we’re too old and we’re supposed to know sooner – we can’t win!).
The dominant narrative says that transgender people are expected to have always known – on some deep, intrinsic level – that we were destined to identify with a gender other than what we were assigned at birth.
But we all have reasons for when we came to terms with being transgender.
For me, it was trauma that delayed my realizations around my gender. For others, they didn’t know “transgender” was even a thing and never thought to question their assigned gender. And for some, their safety was at stake if they tried to explore their gender.
Whatever the reason, people come to terms with being trans at different places in their lives.
And there’s no “right time” or “correct way” to arrive at that conclusion – whenever you discovered your gender identity, you are completely valid, and it doesn’t mean you are more or less trans.
Identity in general is very complex – and everyone, trans or otherwise, will grow and learn about themselves at their own pace. Figuring out who we are doesn’t happen in a day. It’s okay to take your time.
Instead of viewing it as a race in which other trans people are your competitors, try viewing it as a journey that is for you and you alone. It’s my hope that the trans community will be beside you, cheering you on.
3. What If I Regret My Medical Transition?
So it’s important to first say that not all transgender people will medically transition. That’s a completely valid choice; medical interventions do not make someone more or less trans.
But for those of us who do pursue some form of medical transition, it’s unbelievably common to worry about regret.
Because our validity as trans people is always coming under fire, it doesn’t surprise me that we question our choices – especially when these choices involve some form of permanent or semi-permanent change.
Lots of transgender people worry about transition regret for different reasons.
For some, they may not feel ready to make such a big change because of other issues they’re grappling with. They may not feel prepared to come out to family, which medical transition can require (showing up to a family reunion with a deeper voice and beard without forewarning is apparently frowned upon).
Fears around transition regret can also come from a lack of knowledge – whether it’s myths about surgical regret (often pushed by anti-trans activists) or an “all or nothing” understanding of hormones (for example, the misconception that non-binary people cannot hormonally transition).
For me, I resisted medical transition because I was actually deeply ashamed of being trans (which I’ll talk more about later in the article).
I think if you’re having questions about medical transition, it’s a great idea to seek out a support group, community center, or gender therapist to help you figure out why you have these hesitations.
Fear is a normal part of transition – but confronting those fears can be a major part of healing.
4. What If I Don’t Know Exactly What My Gender Is?
Hey, welcome to the club! Here’s your official badge. Let me teach you the secret handshake and anthem.
Seriously though, I think the world would be a much better place if we stopped putting pressure on people to know their gender identity and, instead, encouraged people to explore their gender identity and expression.
Because while it may seem that most people are incredibly sure of themselves, I’m betting there is a huge number of people who are actually really unsure. And I’m baffled as to why this has to be a problem.
Uncertainty can be unsettling, but it’s also an opportunity to explore who you are and give yourself permission to step out of your comfort zone.
Uncertainty is not, however, proof that you are not transgender or an indication that you are “less than” other trans people.
I feel like my understanding of my gender changes by the day, sometimes even by the hour.
Uncertainty can often mean that you’re on the right track – that you’re moving away from what felt safe to open yourself up to the possibility of something more honest and fulfilling.
So I say embrace the uncertainty! It’s not at all a bad thing – and I, as well as many other trans people, know it well.
5. If This Is My Truth, Why Do I Feel So Ashamed?
The hardest thing about being trans, for me, has been coming face-to-face with the fact that I deal with shame and guilt around being transgender.
When you grow up with the idea that there’s a “right” and “wrong” way to do gender, it’s a perfectly reasonable response to suppress or resist who we are or who we want to be in favor of what feels safer or more socially acceptable.
We’re taught, in subtle and overt ways, that straying outside of “gender norms” is wrong, disgusting, embarrassing, or even immoral. It’s normal and even expected to feel ashamed in a society that teaches us to be ashamed if we are not perfectly cisnormative.
In this way, being proud of being transgender and being ashamed are not even mutually exclusive – you can be proud of your identity but also grapple with the shame that comes with claiming it, and they’re both valid emotions and experiences.
My shame around being trans led me to grapple with every question on this list.
Shame convinced me that I was “making up” being trans because I couldn’t deal with the truth. Shame made me question if my journey was valid because it felt like I was doing it “wrong.” Shame made me fearful of medically transitioning because I feared my own happiness. Shame left me suppressing my identity and making it difficult to ever feel secure in myself.
I’ve written before that I didn’t even want to be transgender and compared being trans to the stages of grief (if you’re dealing with shame, I encourage you to read them or bookmark for later). The responses that I got to these articles pointed overwhelmingly to the fact that shame is a common part of the trans experience.
I talk about shame not because I want to discourage people from being trans – it’s because I want us to be honest and to validate the very difficult emotions that come with being trans in a transphobic society.
If you feel ashamed, you aren’t alone.
To deal with my own shame, I’ve found it helpful to talk about what I’m going through with other trans people, to seek out support groups (online or offline), to find a trans-competent therapist, and to journal about my transition so I can be aware of these feelings as they come up.
The important thing to remember is that shame does not have to make your decisions for you. It doesn’t have to hold you back. And feeling shame does not make your truth any less real or your identity any less valid.
There’s one last feeling I want to hold space for. If you read this article and found yourself saying, “Wow, this is me,” I want you to take a moment to sit with that feeling.
The feeling of being validated, seen, recognized.
I want you to remember this moment the next time you’re struggling with these questions, and to know, always, that you are not the first person to ask these questions and that you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling.
Too often, we’re afraid to be honest about our experiences because we fear that being this vulnerable opens us up to be ridiculed, interrogated, and questioned. As trans people, we already face this kind of interrogation in our daily lives – so it makes sense that we hold back on what we’re struggling with.
But I want to encourage you to open up.
At the very least, I want you to acknowledge the weight that you’ve been carrying around in trying to shoulder this alone. I know that weight well. That weight has kept me down for a long, long time.
It’s time to chip away at that heaviness. Let’s start here: I want you to know that your fears, questions, and doubts do not undermine your truth or your identity.
You are enough. And what you’re going through and the feelings that come with it deserve validation and respect.
You, my friend, deserve validation and respect. And I hope that this article is just the beginning of all the space you’ll hold not only for your own struggles, but for the struggles of others in our community as well.
This piece that I wrote originally appeared at Everyday Feminism.
This is a great one! I am planning on starting a parent of trans youth group this fall and some of this will help! If I need to pull some of the information that is your experience only, I’ll email you for permission! Keep it up-I really (and many others) appreciate it!!!
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That’s great, as I want to join one!
This should be read and reread by every trans, maybe-trans, fluid, — Oh heck, pretty much anybody who has ever questioned their cis-ness in any way, and anybody who cares about them. And those questions have to come up in some form for any identity issue. Very well done!
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I’m a cis-woman, who never questioned her cis-ness in any way. I think this article should also and especially be read by cis-people. Of course only those already interested in trying to understand what it means not to be cis are reading such stuff, but for me these things should be taught at school. If my daughter was trans I would be suffering a lot – not because of her not being right, but because of all the difficulties, accusations, discrimininations etc. she would have to undergo. We destroy people and even lead them to suicide, because we don’t want to come out of our comfort zone and try to understand feelings we never had or were forced to have. Most of these feelings could be vanished or at least lessened when society would overcome their medieval views of two sexes and their strict definitions of them. Then there would be a chance to see that we all actually share a lot and that being trans or cis is only one aspect of a person’s identity and that you have only to struggle with it when it’s thought “abnormal”.
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Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
Sam writes about hard questions and holding space open.
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Those posts you link, especially the one which starts with the packer? Everytime I read it, I cry. I don’t know if I’m cis and making things up, I don’t think I dare to explore, I’m almost 30 and haven’t experienced dysphoria or euphoria… I don’t know so many things. But thank you, thank you so very much for everything you write.
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Try to give yourself space to feel your emotions. All of this is so difficult at first, but it does get easier. Whatever you’re feeling is okay.
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Interesting, I see parts of myself in the first 4. Although there have been dozens of clues throughout my life, it took me until my fifties to put it all together (largely thanks to the internet). I’ve never felt ashamed of it though, I would hate to be normal.
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For we gender diverse folk, it’s good to remember that it’s not so much that we have gender issues, is that others have issues about how we express our gender. …and really, it’s not about being this or that gender category, it’s about being ourselves. Relaxing and being genuine is what it is about. Dealing with the terror this creates in others is something else, but it pays to identify where the problem lies… not with us, but with the reaction of others to us.
Another thing to remember is that difference creates spaces of liberation. When people are different, it creates room for others to express their difference, their individuality, themselves.
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Sam!! This is a fantastic post. Weirdly, I actually knew you (sorta) in high school, when I think we were both having a considerably worse time—it’s really cool to see you active in this way, and to sort of trip into finding this blog, which I think is & will be a really neat resource.
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Whoa, this is WILD. I’m so excited that our paths crossed! Side note, I’m kind of savoring the fact that a person we both dated now has a history of being with two very queer, very trans humans. I hope that makes him feel v v v gay.
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My child, whom recently came out as non binary texted me this by accident, it was meant to go to her their trans friend, but I am so grateful I got it. It is important for friends & family of trans (they idenify this way) to try and see or get the persepective of the person transitioning. Though I know I will never totally understand, as I don’t walk in my child’s shoes, it is SO crucial to remember that it’s THEIR journey – pot holes, beauty, bumps and all. This is about THEM first and foremost, and acceptance and understanding is the ONLY way forward. Thank you for helping me to cross that bridge…. Stay strong and keep sharing!
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Reblogged this on AMereKat.
I found this article disturbing.
“If someone told you your whole life that you were a terrible dancer and suddenly you received a first prize trophy for a dance competition, you’d probably feel like an imposter, right?”
No. Not me. And I don’t think I’m alone here. I’d feel I’d been lied to and wouldn’t trust that person again. We’re all different.
“Trans” covers a huge range. A trans can be a crossdresser. So why the pushing of surgery? The comment “…not all transgender people will medically transition.” should surely be – “…very, very, very few transgender people will medically transition
I’ve also not come across any trans having their “trans” called into question.
“It’s normal and even expected to feel ashamed in a society that teaches us to be ashamed if we are not perfectly cisnormative.” It’s important to specify here that societies differ. I’m not aware of MY society making non-cis people to feel ashamed of being non-cis. Besides, it’s important not to put the notion in people’s heads that there’s such a thing as a perfect trans. If there is, I’ve yet to come across one. Have you?
“If you read this article and found yourself saying, “Wow, this is me,” I want you to take a moment to sit with that feeling.” So what do you do if you don’t find yourself saying “Wow, this is me”? Where’s the link to further advice if the reader is not like you?
One problem here is the fact that the transgender language is a mess. Like “trans” here can be taken to mean somebody who is physically changed, when all it really means is “non-cis”.
With all due respect: Have you ever heard of the phrase “not everything is for everyone”? When you’re saying “what if this isn’t me,” that means it wasn’t for you, and that’s okay.
If you’re looking for one article that covers every conceivable non-cis experience, you’re going to be sorely disappointed with literally every article on the internet.
Best of luck.
With all due respect? Sorry kiddo, but that cuts both ways. Where’s your respect for my views? The impression here that this is all me Me ME! (yawn). Just saying your myopic views taint the article – badly. It could have been far more open, useful, helpful, correct. Like, no, we don’t all feel like we’re imposters. I don’t. And you really shouldn’t put that idea into peoples heads. So, try to be a little more responsible in your writing in future. And “trans” is a very wide umbrella – you’re just going down one titchy part of it. Open your eyes, explore, some of us really do live very different lives to you and we’re still “trans”. My criticisms stand. Oh, and good luck with the blogging. Fortunately, there are far, far more informative ones (possibly with better writers) out there on, oh, what was it? Ah, the internet, literally so. Bye!
The point of the article was exactly that… to go down “one titchy part of it.”
The article is set up right from the start by stating that it focuses on an experience that often isn’t validated. “May be” afraid to ask, holding space for those experiences “pushed aside” — the entire article is set up to affirm that this is a minority of trans people that I’m speaking to.
Your reading comprehension isn’t my problem, nor does it mean your opinion is correct or useful.
If an article isn’t for you, that doesn’t mean it isn’t for someone else. And based on the feedback I received in the few years since it was published, I already feel confident that this piece holds up and was helpful to those it was intended for.
Your criticism is a projection, and it’s not one anyone is obligated to validate or co-sign. It’s a really weird flex you’re doing here, but go off, I guess.
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Knessia, you seem very smart and that you have a fantastic grip on how the universe does not revolve around you!!